Tuesday, August 9, 2011
It's a weird week around here.
My previous two births were complete surprises and there was no planning involved.
This time around I have gone the entire pregnancy planning on being surprised.
Instead I am now planning a planned birth.
It just feels weird.
And I have had way too much time to think about things.
I remember distinctly crying my eyes out on the delivery table before Ezra was born.
Those of you with more than one child will probably get the reason why...
I was crying because I knew that things would never be the same again. I was crying out of sadness for Ella and knowing that her little world was about to be rocked. I was crying for myself and wondering if I really was going to be able to love this new child as much as my first born.
And yes, I was crying because of all the freakin' hormones rushing through my body.
Looking back most of those feelings were silly. Of course I loved Ezra as much. Of course Ella's world was rocked...but only in an awesome way.
When we were preparing to leave for Ethiopia to bring Eli home I experienced a lot of the same feelings again. I was mourning the loss of life as we knew it for him. Could I really love another child as much as these two? Could my love expand again?
Again, thinking back...it seems silly. But it doesn't feel silly at the moment.
A new chapter in life is about to begin. And that means the old one is ending. While I want and look forward to this new chapter...there is still a loss involved, and I think for me I just have to go through a day or two of mourning to process it.